Wherein the writer discusses fear of failure (or success…)

•July 7, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Oopsie!

Here we go again.  I know!  I’ll not write for like 4 months.  Yeah, that’s a great plan…I’ll go with that.  Anyway, so many things have happened since my last post.  My computer totally and utterly passed on to the next world.  And as you know from my last post, my backup system was not exactly a thing of technological wonder or a thing that was even used as it should have been..neither here nor there.  I live, I learn.  This new computer though is most spiffy and fancy and I am over all rather excited about the whole thing.

Also, my pity party continues.  And I must say, it is a load of bullshit.  It makes me wonder if perhaps medication is not on the horizon, to be honest with you.  I know damn well that things are not as they should be and that I am using this crap as a reason (excuse) for not functioning as I should be and it’s really starting to make me sick.  At the same time, I feel a bit unsure how to fix this thing on my own.  Therapy is very expensive, but my neighbor works at a grass roots wellness center and that may be a possibiltiy.  As I sit and ponder what became of my life, I like to think that Caela may be doing the same.

She sits, waiting.  Most of her is still in the old hard drive waiting to be extracted.  I hope she is not holding her breath…  Anyway, I have been thinking quite a bit about this wee little story and where it needs to go, or if it even needs to come out of the hard drive to begin with.  Maybe…just maybe, things happen for a reason.  Perhaps it’s time to rethink things and mosey on down that path to new things and better things.  Perhaps Caela was a bit of a priss?  Perhaps she was boring and uninteresting?  Or, big or…I have not been holding myself responsible.  Oh, look!  It’s 4am.  I’ll return tomorrow and ramble on a bit more for your amusement then.

The writer sits, heaving a sigh….

•May 9, 2012 • 5 Comments

Dear sweet baby Jesus….

I have lost a portion of work as in, I cannot find it anywhere.  And I mean gone.  It was supposed to be on the almighty zip drive….but it isn’t.  Now, I could look at this a couple of different ways.  First way, first… I could scream, throw a book across the room and maybe drop kick said zip drive.  As you can imagine, that did not work well….

Second way to view this unsettling development would be to take a deep breath, sit in child’s pose for a bit and fall asleep.  Ahhhh, much better… other than the cramps from sleeping for close to an hour with my forehead on the floor.  No worries, a nice hot bath sorted it all out.

Now, to rewrite.  Was the lost manuscript a work of pure genius?  Oh no… that it was not.  It was actually pretty bad, which i discovered right before I fell asleep.  Maybe that’s why the nap transpired in the first place?  At any rate… back to the drawing board with renewed verve.  Verve?  Is that a word?

Good for the Goose…

•April 25, 2012 • 1 Comment

Is it always good for the gander?  I’m thinkin’ not so much.  Had a thing happen tonight that well over incensed me…I likely over-reacted to be perfectly honest.   Neither here nor there, really, but it has affected some writing that I’m attempting to achieve tonight.  While I spend some time looking at gender roles in a make-believe world, I have been faced with more than one double standard in the “real world”.   Here’s my over-wrought conundrum: My little world is a bit different from ours in lots of ways.  Why is it that my “real” world is reflecting so much in my writing?  Why are the double standards of this world rearing their ugly head?  I certainly don’t want them there.   But, can the average reader (again with the narcissism that this might be something, but it might?  Let’s call it confidence instead.) deal with gender roles and double standards that are so very different from the ones we face in reality.  Am I allowed to turn them upside down?

I don’t like what happened tonight, not one bit.  I felt like a jealous woman and I really wasn’t.  I was more an angry woman.  I gotta be honest, I’m kinda OK with all that.  But the stereotype for the bitter, jealous soul existed.  As I sit here, heaving a sigh, I gotta wonder about the above thoughts and about our society’s want or need to place women in that “shrew” role.  I’m not buying it.  And I don’t want to participate in it or perpetuate it in any way or shape.  I think it’s bullshit…

And I think that in my little made up world?  I think I can do whatever I want. Oh, the power and the glory.  And I think women are allowed to stand up and scream bullshit if they want…  With no repercussions.

Feasting and the Single Girl…

•April 12, 2012 • 1 Comment

OK, so, I over indulged a bit last weekend.  Way too much meat, way too much sugary, delicious goodness….You get the point.  It was a holiday and what better way to celebrate any holiday than with gluttony!  Consequently, this week I am basically eating nothing but fresh fruit and veg, a bit of brown rice here, bit of vinaigrette there and one cheat meal of gnocchi with pesto.  I really like to cook and eat.  I suppose I’m a bit of a foodie, really.  This is going somewhere, I promise..

So I’m writing out a banquet scene last night that entails many diplomatic intrigues and visiting dignitaries and the like, but I cannot quit describing the food.  This made me laugh.  And salivate some, which is not pretty.  The other rather amusing thing that happened was Caela’s poorly mannered way of devouring what was put in front of her.  She ate like a bear coming out of hibernation and it’s not like it was her first meal in weeks either.  It seemed to me that she was so taken with the lavishness of the meal that she just couldn’t help herself.  This was the first time I had placed her in this type of social setting and I maybe should have found someone to give her a crash course in etiquette.  But honestly, I’m kinda glad I didn’t.  What followed was a great deal of staring and poking and head shaking and someone saying “It’s already dead…it’s not leaving, I promise.”

Perhaps tonight I can actually get to the point of the banquet?  Maybe I should order a pizza first.

Em, Right…

•April 4, 2012 • 4 Comments

First of all, many apologies, mostly to myself.  For some reason, I stopped writing… well, for lots of reasons the least of which was just abject lack of creative drive and also a bit of anxiety/stress/depression.  I dunno, and I certainly am not in the mood to whine about it overmuch.  That being said, I have been a bit squirreled away, hiding.  The holidays were very busy, but very emotionally straining.  Luckily, they feel like 100 years ago and I think that’s a good thing.  And then the new year, overall?  Feels a bit underwhelming.  And I have some very odd things happening in my life, not real sure about them… Yeah, so that is out of my system.

Poor Caela has been sitting under a tree, waiting.  Pretty damn patiently, really.  In some bouts of insomnia, I open her book and stare at her.  She stares back for a minute before rolling her eyes to the heavens.  One night, I had a shot or two of scotch and she began screaming at me to get her out of there already.   This was Sunday, actually.  Since then, I have returned to her several times to find her pacing and getting angry.  I’m enjoying her anger and it seems to propel me to at least write bits and pieces, some flashy bits of potential here and there.  A lot of wordy, over descriptive junk too… but they are still words on a page and I’m certainly not going to beat myself up about that.

So, despite today being only a Wednesday in April, I will sit down everyday.  Write a bit here and hopefully, a helluva lot more on the real thing.

If you are reading this?  I kinda love you right now.

 

I DID IT!!!

•November 30, 2011 • 3 Comments

Yeah, that’s right.  I’m  done…well, done with my NaNo goal at any rate.  My inconsequential little book? Not even close… I think I’m about an eighth done, ish…sorta.

At any rate, I know it’s been ages since I wrote anything here, but sometimes, life throws you some curve balls.  Gentle reader, I believe I may have had a bit of a nervous breakdown as they called it back in the fifties.  I sorta shrunk into myself, full of self-doubt.  I allowed another person to fill me with feelings of worthlessness.  Yes, I did that.   But art is therapy and while I pulled my head firmly out of the sand and got back to work on writing,  all these feelings dissipated.  It was really kinda magical and a bit of a life changing experience, I would say.

Anyhoo, enough over-sharing for now.  Now, I sip some lovely cab sav and enter my little silliness into the magical validation machine on the Nanowrimo site.  I certainly hope that they are telling the truth when they say they don’t actually read it.  Some strange sex scenes showed up without my permission, but I just kept writing.  What the hell was that about?   Where are those instructions for encrypting again?

So, I caught up some…

•November 8, 2011 • 4 Comments

The words just flew outta my fingers and into the box. I’m up to a little over 14k today and I feel like all is right in my world. But now, it is 1am and I’m sleepy. We’ll talk tomorrow perhaps.